Reflection.

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I know coffee makes me anxious, and I don't usually have it at home. But sometimes winter makes me lazy, and I end up making it. It's 6:21 AM, and I am sitting next to my bedroom window with a scented candle and a cup of coffee. Lily is lying next to me.

Winter is resting on my bed sheets, on my shelf, and on my pillows. The metal grills of my window are freezing cold, and I love to touch them. Dew drops are falling, I can hear the subtle sounds. My bedroom clock is ticking, 'tik tik tik tik tik,' and this feeling just makes me numb. It doesn't allow me to feel or to write.

Every time I try to write, I have to bring each and every thought of mine to the surface, and these sounds don't allow me to concentrate. It's not a distraction; I may call it my lack of attention. And sometimes I feel unworthy of writing because I cannot be who I am pressuring myself to be, and I am not honest while typing.

I am a chameleon, shifting and shedding layers of disguise. I hate it, I hate it, believe me. Because now I am not aware of how to differentiate between me and the mask, the colour that my body shows. I don't know how to abandon those masks, nor am I able to throw them away.
I guess I will wait for some time. Some more time. 
I can hear the sound of ticking, again.

This is a sign, this is a sign of a defense mechanism my brain has started using just prevent me from touching what I am trying to. I may not be entirely honest this time either, but I am happy that I did uncover a part.

A small part, and I saw my words. I know soon I will be able to call them. Maybe winter will contribute. The cold, freezing cold will help me to stay connected with my words. The rods, the metal rods, will numb the sound of my bedroom clock ticking. Winter will help me, I know.
So I chose not to pay attention to the voices that I am not allowed to touch. I know they will be out someday. But right now I am just not ready. 

The biting embrace of winter will mould my senses, allowing my words to bloom. And I guess winter will help me to survive.
I trust winter, and I know she will help! 

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